


Interlude II

by jotunemo



Series: Another little piece of my mind [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Comics), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Childhood Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Gen, Human AU, Leah needs a hug, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki Whump, Loki hurts, Mental Health Issues, PTSD, Sibling Love, Thor alternate universe, You Have Been Warned, a thousand hugs for leah please, college kid thor, emotionally unavailable odin, leah hurts, nikias hurts, odin sucks at parenting, past and recent sexual abuse, teenage loki, this one is going to hit right in the feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:40:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29154459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jotunemo/pseuds/jotunemo
Summary: After a tumultuous three months that have shaken Loki to the core, the gatekeeper encourages Leah to tell her story.
Relationships: Frigga & Leah, Hela & Leah, Leah & Nikias, Loki & Leah, Nikias & Thanos
Series: Another little piece of my mind [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1751101
Comments: 18
Kudos: 14





	Interlude II

**Author's Note:**

> This is the fourth installment of a series and doesn't make any sense whatsoever without its predecessors.
> 
> Oh, and mind the tags, please. I mean the sexual/childhood abuse thing. Leah is gonna talk about it, so I'd want you to stay clear of this if you think you'll be triggered. Stay safe everyone x

_**LEAH** _

_**4 years old, she/her** _

_Uh, hi._

_I have no idea why I can speak now and I’m a little scared but Jörmungandr says it’s okay, to tell you things. He is our gatekeeper and he’s a, uh, he’s an animal that can speak but I don’t know what animal he is because there are no other animals like that here in the jungle or on the TV and the zoo outside but he is big and he has scales like a snake that are shiny and they’re blue and green but he has a body too and wings and a tail and he isn’t wriggling on the ground like a snake. He makes sure we’re all safe and he sends the grown-ups outside when Loki is hurting. I’m not a grown-up, so I couldn’t go out much before because the world isn’t safe for kids when they suddenly wake up in grown-up bodies. We can only come out when we have people with us that will keep us safe, like mama or Thor. Some never even want to come out anyway because the outside world is scary and we don’t understand a lot of things that happen there. Jörmungandr is afraid we’ll mess up because we can’t use Loki’s voice and act like Loki because Loki is too smart and knows too many things we don’t and if we come out, people realize that Loki isn’t well and they ask him about it and he isn’t supposed to know that we exist. Okay, he knows now because of Nikias, so this is why people are allowed to notice now, I think, but only safe people, and why we are allowed to come out now sometimes. He wasn’t ready before Killian said. He wasn’t supposed to know, Loki I mean. I don’t know why. The others use big words sometimes that I don’t understand._

_But still we came out anyway sometimes because we were pulled out and it was too fast for Jörmungandr to stop us. These times are fun if nothing bad happens because we get candy or cuddles and nice plushie toys and cartoons on TV. I enjoy watching TV with Loki when I’m close because he likes cartoons too. The ones where people are beautiful and have huge eyes and even the boys have long hair. Hela only watches weird and scary things and she never actually watches when the TV is on. She always sleeps with her eyes open._

_I hope I can come out more now that we’re back because if I get out more, maybe I’ll grow up one day. I wasn’t supposed to, I think. Many of us aren’t and we can’t because we don’t live outside and don’t grow up because we’re tucked away most of the time._

_I don’t really know what to say because Jörmungandr says I can tell my story but I don’t really know what that means. I don’t know what my story is and I don’t have things to say. He says I can talk to you about what happened to me and about my life. He says I can start from the beginning._

_I don’t know when the beginning is._

_I was never a baby. I was always like this and, when Loki was little, like me, there were a lot more kids around._

_There was Theo, who can’t speak because he’s mute and Amora. Not the Amora who hurt us but Amora as a child, before she grew up to be mean and nasty. She was very, very pretty and sweet and she looked like a princess with golden curls and a green tiara. I look like Loki but as a girl. We were twins but Loki is tall now and I’m still little and I don’t know if that means that we aren’t twins anymore. Theo has a lot of very cute freckles. He was small like us in the beginning but then he grew up a little because he went out a lot and then he stopped growing when he didn’t go out anymore. He is ten now. He was out sometimes when we were with Hela because it was safer to have someone with Hela who can’t speak and make her mad. Kilian was there too when we were small but he was a bigger kid then and he’s a grown-up now. A real grown-up. I don’t know where little Amora went. We took turns to go out. Killian had to go out in school because he’s smart, like Loki. Theo had to go when Loki was crying too much, so that he could play without making loud noises and Loki’s daddy wouldn’t get mad at him for screaming. Hela and Loki’s daddy don’t like it when Loki is a mess, as they say. I don’t know what that really means but they don’t like it when he is sad because he is loud when he is sad and they like it quiet. I had to go out when Amora came because she was mean and nasty and hurtful and Loki couldn’t stand it. I hated it too and I didn’t want to but I’m a brave little warrior princess, says Nikias. Oh, and there was Loptr, who only came out for car rides because Loki was afraid of cars. Loptr loved to sing in the car with mama but when Loki got older, he wasn’t afraid anymore, and Loptr disappeared for a long time._

_Inside, in the jungle, everything was always nice. Our primary protector’s name was Thor when we were small but he didn’t look like the real Thor at all. He had a red cape and warrior armor and a long beard with braids in them and long hair but he disappeared when Kilian grew up and now Killian is wearing armor instead._

_Oh, and there are babies too!! I’m not sure how many because we aren’t allowed to see them. They need to be kept really safe and nobody is allowed to see them because they’re too small and too fragile and they’re tucked in even deeper than we are because they can’t ever come out. It’s forbidden. They are in a house that’s hidden in the jungle and I don’t know where the house is but someone told me that it’s guarded by tigers!! I wish I could see them and pet them some day and give them kisses._

_One day, I didn’t have to go out anymore because nasty grown-up Amora didn’t come to the house anymore and I forgot the outside after a while. I forgot how mama looks like and that I had a mama outside who is really, really nice. I was tucked away for a long time, in the jungle, and I could play all the time, which was very nice._

_But then things changed._

_Nikias came to us and he was always asking questions and he didn’t like what Jörmungandr and Killian told him, he didn’t like the rules, and he didn’t listen to the protectors even though we always have to listen to the protectors. The grown-ups told me to stay away from him. They said he’s making trouble because he went to the cave all the time although that’s forbidden too, to go there when you don’t have to. He and Loki got really close and Jörmungandr couldn’t stop them. He wanted to because Loki wasn’t supposed to know why Nikias exists. When I met Nikias, I didn’t think he was making trouble. He was really nice. I told him why I had to go out and he told me I’d never have to do that again. He told me he’d make sure Loki won’t be so upset all the time anymore, so that he can stay outside himself when he gets hurt. He told me no one will ever have to go outside anymore to meet nasty people ever again and that we could all stay safe here. I thought that was very nice of him._

_The others didn’t but sometimes grown-ups aren’t really that smart._

_But then Loki remembered the day Nikias was born and what happened to Nikias. He was very scared in school that day and it shook our whole world and many people were coming to the cave and Jörmungandr was trying to send someone out but he didn’t know who would be best and there was an earthquake and sending someone didn’t work but then mama came to pick Loki up and hugged Loki and then I remembered her and I just slipped through because there are no hugs like mama’s hugs in the inner world and sometimes I want them._

_Everyone should have them. All the time. But mama can’t hug you all the time. She has other things to do too in between hugs._

_When I came out after all that time in the jungle, I was scared at first because Loki’s body was a lot bigger now and it was hard to walk in it. Jörmungandr tried to get me back but then he let me stay until next morning because mama was nice to me and I fell asleep and Loki doesn’t sleep well sometimes and he’s never calm. I am calm when I am out and the body needs rest._

_Everything was different after that day._

_It was louder and scarier and shakier and there are more mix-ups now about who goes out and then we just slip outside by accident because Loki knows some things now because some walls broke down. He doesn’t know everything and he can’t know everything all at once because it’d be like a whole house collapsing on top of him. I don’t like the scariness but I like to be out._

_The next time I was close to coming out was after Thor came home. They got into fights, Thor and Loki, and then mama wanted to take Loki to the beach and she wanted to hug him but he didn’t want that. I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to be hugged anymore. I was there, playing by the cave, but Jörmungandr didn’t want me to go out because they were all fighting but I wanted to go to the beach house and I stayed close and when Nikias and Thor got into the accident and Loki came to the jungle, I just slipped out. Jörmungandr tried to pull me back but then Thor was nice to me too and he let me stay again. Jörmungandr thinks Thor is safe to be around for me and for Loki too but Nikias and Loki were so close all the time that it wasn’t really safe for Loki anymore. But Thor is nice and Thor understands. Loki and Nikias always say that Thor is dumb but that’s not right. He is smart and he loves me and he loves Loki and he tries to make things better, so Jörmungandr let me stay for the night again and he wasn’t even mad that I told Thor things that Loki shouldn’t know._

_‘The time has come,’ I heard the grown-ups say when I came back. They whispered because they think kids can’t hear when grown-ups whisper but I heard them anyway. ‘Things are out in the open now.’_

_I don’t know what that means either. I’m sorry but I don’t know a lot of things._

_Jörmungandr thinks I’m good to go outside though, even if I don’t know a lot of things. After the last two times I just slipped out, he told me to go the next time! He told me!!! I was never allowed out before but then he told me to go because Loptr came back by accident and he wasn’t safe out there by himself because he’s been gone for so long and he needed Loki close and Loki couldn’t be close and Jörmungandr switched us out because he said I can do it by myself!!!! That was nice and mama took good care of me, even when I made a mess in the bed, so Jörmungandr let me stay for a whole weekend!!!_

_Jörmungandr didn’t want me to come out anymore after that though because Loki and Nikias were with Hela and Hela isn’t a safe person who knows about us and takes care of us. Thor and mama are the only safe ones._

_The first time I came out at Hela’s place was an accident because I was too close to the cave. I was worried about Nikias because he hasn’t been out alone for so long by himself before and I didn’t want him to get hurt because Nikias always told me how bad outside people are. I was scared people would hurt him, people like Amora who hurt Loki and me. I wanted him to come back. I asked him to come back but he ignored me and Jörmungandr said there was no one else to go because Loki was in a different place now that he couldn’t control!_

_I asked him what special place because Jörmungandr controls everything!!!_

_He didn’t tell me but someone else said Loki was in a womb but I don’t know what a womb is. I think it’s a very special place where no one can come get you. It must be really safe, like that place where the babies are, if not even Jörmungandr knows about it because Jörmungandr knows what everyone is doing all the time!!_

_But I slipped out anyway one day because Nikias was hungry and I was so close that I was very hungry too and Hela had my favorite jellybeans and, when I came out, she was a little nicer to me than she had been to Loki and Nikias. She made me breakfast. Jörmungandr allowed me out sometimes after that because I am smart and nice to people and not always scared of them. I can make them stop shouting because I’m very brave. I really am. Nikias thinks so. Maybe Jörmungandr thinks so too._

_But if you’re allowed out a lot, sometimes, bad things lure you out too although it’s not meant to happen._

_That’s what I don’t like._

_It’s scary, when bad things lure you out._

_Bad things like the dark house._

_I know I wasn’t supposed to go there when Nikias went to the dark house with Thanos because Thanos is one of the bad and really mean and nasty outside people. Nikias didn’t want me to because he knew I was scared of Thanos but Nikias was scared of him too and he went anyway because Nikias is brave like me, so I came along. He tried to keep me inside at first but, suddenly, Nikias was gone and I came out anyway and I was all alone … I was alone, alone with Thanos, who is really big. I don’t know where Nikias went but he’d been out for so long, sometimes with Theo, and that’s not how it’s supposed to be! Maybe he couldn’t stand it anymore._

_Maybe he couldn’t stand that Thanos did the same nasty things grown-up Amora did._

_Maybe he knows now why Loki couldn’t stay outside when these things happen to us._

_Jörmungandr tried to get me back but he couldn’t and Thanos hugged me and he petted me and I think that’s supposed to be nice but he didn’t do it like mama does it and it didn’t feel nice at all. When mama hugs me and pets me, I feel safe. Maybe there are different ways of hugging people and maybe only mamas know how to do it right. Maybe outside people don’t know that touching tushies and tooties of little kids and kissing them like that doesn’t feel nice. Maybe mamas and protectors are the only kind of people in the whole world that actually know these things. Mamas and protectors, and Thor, who used to be a protector._

_Maybe he’ll be one again soon._

_Nikias hated what Thanos did when he came back and he said he was sorry and he cried and I was even more scared because Nikias never cried before!!! He was always strong and he always protected me and I wanted to be strong and brave for him. I told him that I was okay because I am brave, really, I am. Amora petted me like that too when I had to go out when Loki was little. I told him that but Nikias cried even more, like I’d told him something bad but I didn’t do something bad._

_I was brave and I’ll always be brave, I promise._

_I am a brave warrior princess!!_

_I didn’t do anything wrong but Jörmungandr pulled me back anyway. I was actually glad this time because, after a while, Nikias came back too and I thought we could just be back in the jungle together again, just like before. But he wasn’t the same anymore. He was sad and then he just … went away. Okay, maybe I did something wrong after all but I really, really didn’t mean to. I don’t even know where Nikias is now. I haven’t seen him and everything is different now and I don’t like what happened to us._

_It’s all so strange!_

_Loki went back outside after Nikias came back here and Thanos was nicer to Loki afterwards. He cooked tasty meals and let him sleep and he petted him like mama does but everything was different anyway. I stayed inside but the inside didn’t feel the same anymore either. The grown-ups were worried all the time and Jörmungandr was very jumpy and I was just hiding for a while._

_But then something pulled me out again but, as soon as I was out, everything was … even more different!!! It was all blurry and Hela was there and Thanos and Loki but it didn’t make any sense because I couldn’t really see and I couldn’t hear and everything was just … it didn’t make sense. It was all loud and blurry._

_But then, we were suddenly back and mama was there and it was like a strange dream but she hugged me and it felt so nice that I started crying happy tears because Hela only hugged me once!! Loki was there too though and he cried sad tears and it was all a big mess and now I am back inside and the body is deep asleep and the grown-ups are trying to sort out what to do next because Loki thinks he’s Robin now even if Killian says that Robin doesn’t exist. They’re still the same, Loki and Robin, maybe they’re twins like Loki and I used to be, but Robin keeps building walls around Loki’s memories and if he keeps building, they say, Robin and Loki could become two different people very soon, with two different memories of two different mommies. I’d like that because that’d mean Loki would live inside with us while Robin stayed out but then again it’d make mama and Thor so sad and Jörmungandr says that Loki can get better help on the outside. I want Loki to get help and I don’t wanna make mama and Thor sad. And even if Robin knows everything Loki does about the outside world, he doesn’t have memories of a life before he met his mom and if he stayed outside, he’d get very confused all the time, so he should come in and just be Hela’s son and then he can come out whenever Hela is around. I don’t know if it can work that way but it’d be nice. Mama and Hela could both keep their sons and Hela wouldn’t be lonely and mama wouldn’t be sad._

_I hope Nikias comes back soon. I’m lonely without him and he’s sorry about what happened to Thor. He is. I know it. Nikias isn’t bad. Please, don’t think he is bad. He keeps people safe._

_Please._

_Nikias isn’t bad and Hela isn’t bad either. They did bad things but bad things happened to them first. I like them both. They can be nice if they want to, so please, don’t be mad at them._

_Don’t be._

_I don’t know what’s gonna happen next. The grown-ups are busy trying to get Robin to stop building. I don’t know how I can help. I don’t know how to stop him. I hope they make it work._

_Fingers crossed._

_I don’t know what else to tell you … I think my story is finished now._

**Author's Note:**

> *deep breath* That was hard, I know. For me too *passes tissues around*
> 
> I have no other reference point for how four-year-olds speak except for my nephew who can already form complex sentences. In contrast to biological children, some child alters are also able to understand complex sentences and abstract concepts even if their emotional responses and their emotional range are those of a child. I tried for some kind of mix here, mainly for narrative purposes obviously.
> 
> But now that you've read her POV, you might be able to figure out why specific things happened, who was in control during the events of Breaking Point and Aftermath and why and I'm curious to hear your theories.
> 
> Now, let's all cuddle Leah and buy her all the blueberry ice cream in the nine worlds, yes?
> 
> See you soon x


End file.
